Exploratory Surgery and The Meniscus Cartilage

Of all the things I don’t understand about the beautiful game, the things I understand least are headlines like this one below.

“Middlesbrough midfielder Stuart Downing will undergo exploratory knee surgery on Wednesday morning.”

What … um… does exploratory surgery mean?

“Doctor, there’s summin wrong with me knee”
Ok Stu, sit down here and lets cut it open…
Why doc? what’s wrong with me knee? I need to be fit for me next game for unca sven!
Well stu… how about we just cut it open, and lets take it from there… play it by ear… y’know? Lets not rush into long term commitments here…

Ok that’s extreme I know. And I’m sure this makes as much sense to doctors as “washing an STB with a new EEPROM” does to me.

But everytime I read it a new scenario pops into my head. Like this group of doctors on a bored Monday…
“Guys, what are we gonna do today?”
I dunno… what do you wanna do?
I dunno either… wait! I’ve got it, lets operate on Stewart Downings knee and see if we find something there!

Which begs the thought why Stewart Downing’s knee? What might one find there? If you wanted a medical operation to be truly exploratory – to the point of being pathbreaking, you may want to try exploratory surgery to find…

Mourinho’s modesty?
Rio Ferdinand’s conscience?
Paul Scholes’s wild side?
Michael Owen’s sense of adventure?
Arsene’s eyesight?
Ferguson’s laidback moments?
Bellamy’s brains? oh wait… that’s the Newcastle football team’s brains…
Nistelrooy’s scoring touch?
Hasselbank’s smile of satisfaction?

On another note, Chelsea & Cole have been found guilty of “tapping up”. Do you foresee another Bosman? I can’t believe rules like this still exist. Where in the world are you not allowed to speak to prospective employers while working for the current one? Isn’t that violation of freedom of speech and movement? Where will you draw the line? What about Rio and Kenyon? What about chance meetings? What about all the people who’s hand Mourinho has shaken after matches? What will really count as tapping up?

Ah well … that’s food for next time’s discussion. Tll then, its back to Steward Downing’s appendages and their dissection. You will be happy to note, that in the words of the Boro spokesperson, “The operation was a complete success. Stewart has had a small part of his meniscus cartilage removed,” – poor guy! And so young too!

%d bloggers like this: